Remembering Valerie Lyn

One of the most important and loving relationships I've ever had, happened with someone whom I never got to know.....my first child, Valerie Lyn.

It was December of 1969, and I was the picture of health. I was six months pregnant with my first child and I remember walking along the streets of Silver Spring, MD....just feeling WONDERFUL and rather smug as well. Because I had been having a perfect pregnancy. No morning sickness, no feeling bad....nothing wrong whatsoever. My baby was due in early March and I was so happy and excited at the thought of meeting the baby. (Back then there wasn't a way of finding out what the sex of the child was, so even though I "knew" that it was a girl, to be on the safe side, I referred to the baby as "Little It."

But then came what I refer to as my own personal "Pearl Harbor". Because on Dec 7, 1969, I began to have some pains that I took to be gas pains...and I kept trying to alleviate them. But they kept getting worse....and then I discovered that they weren't gas pains at all, but labor pains. I had been in labor for most of the day and didn't know it. I got to the hospital just in time, because within 30 minutes, Valerie Lyn, made her entrance into the world. She was quickly rushed off by a nurse to be put in an incubator so I did not get to hold her. She weighed two pounds and had a head full of dark hair and big blue eyes. I remember when I was able to look at her through the glass of the nursery, she gave a little yawn, and I fell totally and completely in love with her. She seemed to be doing fine....the biggest concern was hyaline membrane disease, but she did not have that. I longed to hold her, but back then, the belief by the medical community was that the babies should not be touched at all because of the fear of germs.

After I was released from the hospital, I visited her twice a day....always looking with longing through that glass window. I could hardly wait until I would be able to hold her. She was hooked up to a lot of IV's, but she was doing fine.

But then, on the 5th day, she began to fail. Each day she got a little worse until she finally drew her last breath on Dec 14, 1969. The whole time, I was never allowed to hold her. When I got the call that she was dying, I rushed to the hospital thinking that I would be allowed to hold her, but when I got there, she had already died, and her body had already been taken away.

I was only 19 years old myself, and I didn't know what to do. I just know that I am now 59 years old, and I know that I have never, ever, ever, felt such grief or pain in my life as I did then. It is said that losing a child is the greatest pain a person can go through, and I believe it. It doesn't matter if that child is 50 years old or 1 day old....the pain is the same. With an older child, at least the person has memories to hold onto.....but with Valerie Lyn, all I had was the loss....the loss of love, the loss of dreams...the loss of what could have been.

I don't know how I made it through the next year....I was in shock...I felt as though I had an unending ache in the center of my being. I saw a picture of myself taken that Xmas at my sister's house, and I didn't even look like myself. The grief was etched into my face even though I was smiling. I couldn't go to baby showers....I couldn't do that for the next 16 years, not until my present daughter was born. It just hurt so much.....I had two more failed pregnancies between the birth of Valerie Lyn and the birth of my daughter, Valerie.

Each failed pregnancy made the weight on my soul heavier and heavier and I pleaded with God to PLEASE let me have a baby. I remember that back then there were 3 of us who were desperately wanting a child.....Connie Chung, Liza Minelli, and me. Of the 3 of us, I was the only one whose prayer was granted. I wish that all of our prayers had been granted, but I was sure thankful that mine was. I've sometimes wondered why. I didn't have the money for any special procedures. But I did have faith. I remember that I stopped begging and pleading with God,and instead, I began thanking Him every day for the wonderful gift that He was going to give me. I put up a picture of a nursing mother with a baby on my refrigerator and every day I would stare at it and say, "Someday that is going to be me."

Words can not even begin to describe the absolute joy that I felt when my baby was finally placed into my arms. It was the culmination of 16 years of prayers and hopes. And I am still so very, very grateful that my prayers came true. My daughter, Valerie, brought back a poignant moment for me because like her big sister, she was born with a head full of dark hair and big, beautiful blue eyes. I still remember Valerie Lyn, and I shall always, always love her.

It is said that for everything there is a reason. I don't know what the reason was for the oh-too-brief life of my first child....but I have faith, just like in the Serenity Prayer. I felt tremendous pain and tremendous sadness, but I never once lost my faith. And I am grateful beyond words that I was finally blessed with my present Valerie. She probably gets tired of hearing me say this, but it's true....I told her that in all the history of the world, there was never a baby MORE wanted than she was. I was willing to concede that I am sure that there were many who were AS wanted....but there was never a baby who was wanted MORE. And for this, I am forever grateful.