Acceptance

Yesterday I shared a brunch with my daughter, son-in-law, and his parents. It was so nice. I was so pleased at how well the in-laws seemed to accept and truly like my daughter and I loved how nice and gracious she was to them.


Which made me think.....why can't all relationships be like that? All anybody really wants in the world, I think, is to be accepted.

Which made me think of my Mom. She was a wonderful person in many ways, but she also never accepted any of my friends......Mary Ellen Fitzgerald, Lynette LaCavera, Pamela Hanes, Sylvia Ponce, Pamela Cross, and Nancy Holman. These were the people who were my best friends from age 5 through age 11, and Mom never accepted any of them. I remember really getting in trouble once over an incident with Nancy Holman. Mom and I were coming home from church and all of a sudden, out of the clear blue sky, I said, "Wouldn't it be neat if when we got home Nancy was there?" Well, guess what! When we got home, Nancy WAS there, lying on the living room floor, reading the comics. I was so delighted...and Mom was so annoyed. She accused me of setting up the visit with Nancy and nothing I could say ever convinced her that I had no knowledge of the fact that Nancy was coming over.


When we were going places I used to beg Mom to let a friend come along (mainly so I wouldn't be so bored and would have someone to play with), but Mom rarely ever gave her permission, and the few times that she did, it was quite clear to me that she was annoyed. Her attitude toward my friends made me feel horrible and guilty.


I swore that when I grew up that I would never do that to my child and I didn't. Our house was always open to her friends and whenever she wanted someone to come along, they were always welcome. I never once, not one single time, ever made her friends feel anything but welcome and accepted.

As I grew older into my teens, Mom never liked or accepted any boy I was dating. And her attitude toward my child's father was nothing short of horrible mental abuse. I was married to Valerie's father for over 17 years and there was not one single day that went by that Mom didn't have something derogatory to say about him. I used to beg her to stop! Please stop! But she never did.....never...... I truly believe that is one of the factors that broke my marriage up. I always used to think of my mother as "the destroyer", which is sad.

And then, a miracle happened. I started dating Tom. I warned him that my Mom would not like him.....but to my complete surprise and amazement, she LOVED him. And I mean from the very beginning she loved him. She told me once that if she could see me married to Tom that she could die happy. I couldn't believe my ears. I thought to myself, "Gee, I finally got it right."

Well, what a joke that turned out to be! Tom had me believing that he truly cared for my daughter.....and that turned out to be a lie. I knew that if he didn't start accepting her that I would not be able to stay with him, but of course, he died before that story was resolved.

Two things that are non-negotiable with me......any man in my life has to accept my daughter and my dogs. That was one of the first things I looked for when I began dating Kevin. Accepting my daughter was no problem for him....he warmed my heart by planning a special guest room for her and her husband whenever they came to visit, and by talking about how much he was looking forward to getting to know her. He has two children of his own and he is one of the best fathers I have ever known. He ACCEPTS his children's dreams, even though they are different from his own.

I wasn't as sure at first about my second non-negotiable item....the dogs. When I met Kevin I had three dogs....and I could tell at first that they annoyed him. I never pressured him on it because even I had to agree that three dogs was a lot, but I waited for him to decide if having me was worth it. The turning point came when we drove to New England to attend his sister's funeral. We took my little Maltipoo, Alex, with us and Kevin started really developing a relationship with Alex. And then there is Kyla, the German Shepherd. Dogs choose their human, and Kyla has chosen Kevin. She is with him now and never leaves his side. He takes her everywhere with him. At night she lies on his feet. Kevin is crazy about Kyla. He says that she is the gentlest dog that he has ever known. In other words, he has fully accepted my dogs. Not only accepted them but loves them. And before Sam died, Kevin was beginning to develop a good relationship with him as well.

So.....there you go. The greatest pain that a person can inflict upon another is not to accept them. And it's so easy to accept someone.....just be kind to them. If you love someone enough, you will accept the ones that they love too. If you don't, then you won't.