Remembering Dad

Today is February 13, 2009. On February 13, 1964, my best friend, and the person I loved most in the world....my father, died. In some ways it still seems like yesterday. It's really hard to believe that it has been 45 years. I was 14 then.....and 59 now. I am two years older than my Dad was when he died. Weird.

In some ways, my Dad ruined me for any other men. He's been the yardstick I've always held in my heart for what a relationship should be like. And it's not painting the memories of him with silver linings due to time passing. I knew while he was alive just how special our relationship was. Although he was in failing health for most of the years that I knew him, that just didn't matter because his failing body just seemed to make his spirit that much more special.

A good relationship, in my opinion, should be full of affection. Hugs are extremely important. But just as importantly, companionship, laughter, and talking together about anything is a must as well. Being considerate of each other is crucial and knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that each person is loved unconditionally and without reservation is mandatory.

In the relationships that I've had with men since my Dad died, I've often thought that I had found what I had missed so much since his death. But in every single past relationship, it just eventually always fell short of the picture I have held in my heart for so long. I don't think it's anyone's fault. It's just been what is. Perhaps I have just been wanting too much....but the thing is, I know that such a relationship CAN exist.....it existed for me in the past with my Dad.

And so, on this 45th anniversary of his death, I look back with gratitude on having experienced the times and conversations and loving memories of him. And I'm still hopeful that I will experience the same with someone else. My present relationship looks very promising....the hugs, the talking about anything, the companionship and laughter and feelings of unconditional love are all there. But I had thought that I had found those things before, so I realize that the only true test is time. If it is real, it will not only last, it will only continue to get better as the months and years go by. Because no relationship ever stays the same. It will either get better and stronger with time, or it won't.